(((^-^ Presented In Plushie Sound ^-^)))

The Audience Is Reading…

[The original Mission: Impossible Theme (aka not the crappy versions from those stupid movies) begins to play]

Good Afternoon, Miss Kinomoto…

Your mission for this season, should you choose to accept it (although, you really don’t have much choice) is to face even more of the worst fanfiction ever produced on the internet. This mission may be emotionally and mentally scarring, which is why you’re doing it instead of us, but it is necessary to thwart the evil plans of Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa and the members of the Clow Reed Institute of Evil Magic and Mad Science.

As always, should you or any member of your team be captured or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

Good luck.

This tape will self destruct in ten seconds…

*TURN OFF YOUR <KA-BOOM!!!>

Let’s try that again, hm?

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 21: HARRY POTTER AND THE PANTIE RAIDERS

(A Harry Potter MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment

purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or

trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

“Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it.

“Harry Potter” is the property of J.K. Rowling and big scary corporations.

“Harry Potter And The Pantie Raiders” is the property of Ice Blue X and he’s welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)

(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,

Last Sunday BC

There was this girl named Sakura

Quite different from you or me

She captured Clow Cards with her friends

All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens

They tried to save the human race,

But Eriol lost his patience

So he shot them into space!!!!

Sakura: (Hoeeee……)

Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?)

We'll send them crappy fanfics

The worst we can find  (lalala)

They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds  (lalala)

Now keep in mind they can't control

When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)

Because, let’s face it, after all

Eriol’s not really their friend;

CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:

Meiling:

'I’m baaaaaack!’

Tomoyo:

'Say “Cheese”!'

Syaoran:

'Rittai Shatourai!!'

KEROOOOOOO!!!

'That’s Cerberus to you.'

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe

And other science facts  (lalala)

Then repeat to yourself

*It's just a MiST*

You should really just relax

For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

18:34 Hours

“That damn plushie…” grumbled Meiling as she stormed about the bridge of the satellite. “He’s been shirking his duties all week. Sitting in his room reading ‘Sorcerer Hunters’… Ignoring his work…”

“What does he find so fascinating about that series?” Yue inquired.

“It could be one of two things,” said Syaoran as he continued his work, “It’s either that there are several characters named after deserts or the fact that it contains girls who wear leather.”

“Or both.” Meiling added.

“It could be worse, we could be the victims of Daidouji’s latest fashion kick,” Syaoran muttered.

“What is it this time?” Meiling asked.

“Costumes representing every character named ‘Sakura’,” Syaoran replied.

Meiling sweatdropped. “Every… But, there are dozens of characters named Sakura.”

“Not only that, but she’s throwing in every heroine from the works of CLAMP for good measure,” Syaoran continued.

“Funny, you should mention that,” came the voice of Tomoyo Daidouji. “Because my first outfit is finished!”

Everyone turned to see a mildly blushing Sakura dressed in a pantsuit that would’ve looked more appropriate on a 19^th century buccaneer, had the jacket not been pink. This was clearly one of the outfits of Sakura Shinguuji from “Sakura Wars”.

Meiling was barely suppressing her laughter. “Care for a bottle of rum, Kinomoto?” she managed between giggles.

“Oh, shut up,” Sakura grumbled.

Just then, a red light on the control console began flashing. “Uh oh… Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are calling.”

DEEP 13

The evil Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa stood flanked on either side by his assistants TV’s Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun, who had to sit on the console or he wouldn’t be seen. “Ah, if it isn’t Misaki, Koutarou and Tamayo,” he said, grinning viciously.

“Very cute, sir,” said Sakura.

“Yes. I thought so too,” Eriol replied. “But enough of the CLAMP based in-jokes, let’s get down to business. This week I’ve created a Clow card that will be of great use to anyone traveling abroad. Since you already created a card called ‘The Translate’ I decided to call mine ‘The Language’.”

“No more fumbling around with clumsy dictionaries trying desperately to figure out how to ask where the john is,” said Ruby Moon.

“Precisely,” said Eriol. “Now what have you got this week, missy?”

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“Our Clow card this week was based on the fact that some music we hear in the movies is so cool that we wish we could hear it in real life,” said Sakura. Meanwhile, Kero had floated in and sat down on Sakura’s shoulder. “So we programmed a card that will play music in the styles of famous composers like Jack Horner, James Newton-Howard and, of course, John Williams in tune with your life.”

“We’re calling it ‘The Score’,” said Tomoyo.

“What do you think, sirs?” asked Sakura.

DEEP 13

“And you were bugging me about ‘The Credit’?” snapped Eriol.

“The Score card…” Spinel Sun mumbled. “It was bound to happen sometime.”

Yes, yes…” Eriol muttered. “Since you all seem so fascinated with my lame-brained clone, Harry Potter, I’ve decided to send you a fic that may change your views. It comes from Ice Blue X who has a penchant for drinking too much and apparently watching too many teen raunch films.”

Sakura and the others groaned. “Yeah. I’m evil.” said Eriol. “Send ‘em the fanfic, Ruby Moon.”

“Why can’t Suppi do it for once?” Ruby Moon whined.

“I’m not tall enough,” Spinel Sun retorted “And I am not Suppi!!”

Eriol rolled his eyes.

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“A Harry Potter fic?” Tomoyo said, wrinkling her kawaii little nose. “That’s a switch.”

“Yeah. And I don’t think it’s for the better either,” Kero muttered.

“Just stay frost, okay?” said Sakura.

Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.

(Door 6: It shatters like glass.)

(Door 5: It’s made of ofudas. Syaoran recites an incantation and they burn away.)

(Door 4: It’s made of bars. They rise into the ceiling.)

(Door 3: It’s made of sleeping plushies. They suddenly wake up and scamper away.)

(Door 2: It’s a set of elevator doors. They open with a ‘ping’ sound.)

(Door 1: It’s a trap door. You fall through it.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a giant vault door starts to open. A sudden rush of air sucks you through.)

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero-Chan fall through the vault door and land in their seats while Kero-Chan floats overhead.

Sakura: Okay. Everybody together now!

>Harry Potter And The Pantie Raiders

Kero: Hogwarts has a fraternity now?

Sakura: Well, this author didn’t even make it to the end of his title.

>Author’s Notes:

Tomoyo:<author>Doe, Rae, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Doe!

Syaoran:<Wayne Campbell> We’re noteworthy! We’re noteworthy!

Sakura: That was bad, Syaoran-kun.

>Oh dear, what to do when you’re sick?

Tomoyo: Write lame, perverse fanfics that get sent to us?

>I think living in the bathroom with my trusty (un-haunted) toilet, extra long internet cord and set of Harry Potter books has gotten

>to me somehow because I wrote this.

Syaoran: Either that or the toilet really was haunted

Sakura: Moaning Myrtle inspires fanfics?

Kero: Not ones about panty raiders.

Tomoyo:<Author> It’s.. it’s getting to me…

>Looking back, it’s just WRONG…

Sakura: Uh-oh!

Tomoyo:<Author>But I decided “What the hell? At least I won’t have to read it.”

>but I made my SECOND mistake by giving it to Shinigamis' Koi to read…and she liked it and forced me to post it here.

Syaoran:<Author> She broke into my house and held a gun to my head!

>Any and all complaints about this waste of space can be sent here shinigamiskoi@btinternet.com

Kero: Well, even the author hates this fic. This’ll be fun.

>Thankyou, and Love and Peace.

Sakura:<Hippie> Love and peace, man!

>It was a clear evening,

Syaoran: It was a dark and stormy night.

>calm as billions of stars lit up the inky black sky like thousands of tiny pinpricks of light.

Tomoyo: Hey! We’re in the opening sequence from “Final Fantasy 7”.

Syaoran: That means Aeris Gainsborough should be showing up any minute now.

Kero: Nah. For this fic it’ll probably be Tifa Lockheart.

>It was, Severus Snape thought sourly, the second ugliest thing he’d ever seen.

Kero: Snape is such a ray of sunshine, isn’t he?

Syaoran:<Snape>Give me rot and decay any day over this sunshine and flowers crap.

>It was so but only because it was his only distraction from Harry Potter’s uglier mug,

Sakura: Hey, Snape! Looked in a mirror lately? You’re not exactly Mel Gibson.

Tomoyo: Nah. He’s Alan Rickman!

>and the fact that he was sorely missing his underwear.

All: Eeeeeeeeewwww!!

Kero: Now there’s something Happosai will never be going after.

>That, and it was the only other thing to look at in the creepy dungeon room after you got tired of Weasely, Granger and Malfoy.

Tomoyo: Dungeon? What the…?

Sakura: Well, Snape’s classes are held in a dungeon, aren’t they?

Syaoran: But… They don’t have classes at night.

Kero: Forget it. Logic will get you nowhere with this fic.

>Groaning softly, he allowed his mind to play over the events of the night just one more time.

Syaoran: Great. Flashbacks a plenty.

>It wasn’t as if he really wanted to remember it – but what else was there to do?

Tomoyo: How about ending the fic? Then we can leave early.

>The Terrible Trio had gotten some wild and crazy idea about Voldemort being in Hogwarts,

Kero: Yeah. Just because he’s done it before…

Syaoran: Terrible Trio? Like the Amazon Trio?

Sakura: I hope not.

>and naturally with Harry and that damnable Voldemort homing device on his forehead, they were right.

Tomoyo: Homing device? Does he mean the scar?

Syaoran:<Harry>Pain… increasing… Must… be… getting… close…

>Draco Malfoy had decided that for once he was not about to let them get away with all the glory and had followed them down to >the dungeons.

Kero: I think Malfoy would be happier if they went off and got killed.

Syaoran:<Draco Malfoy> Work with mudbloods! I think not!

Sakura: Especially since he’s glad that Voldemort is back.

>Of course, Dumbledore sent Snape after them.

Tomoyo: Somehow I don’t picture Dumbledore sending Snape of all people to watch out for Harry Potter.

>After transversing a series of passageways and finding them,

Sakura: Well, it’s kind of hard to “transverse” a passageway without finding it.

Tomoyo: Transverse? That doesn’t seem like the right word.

>Snape realized he’d forgotten his map.

Kero:<Snape>D’oh!

>Of course, he didn’t let on he’d forgotten his map. He blamed it on a trick of Voldemort’s.

Syaoran:<Snape> The devil made me forget it!

Tomoyo: I think Snape would probably try to blame Harry first.

>Not like the kids would know the difference or anything.

Kero: Oh, please. Hermione is probably smarter than most of the professors there already.

Sakura:<Hermione> E=mc2

>“Keep close together!” he commanded, and instilled with the fear of Voldemort, each and every one of the kids, including Malfoy >shut their mouths and did as they were told.

Kero: And we have our first OOC moment.

Sakura: Snape’s being civil? Harry, Ron and Hermione are listening to him? What’s next?

>Snape tried to remember the way he’d come in, but it just seemed as though they were getting even more hopelessly lost by the >moment.

Syaoran:<Snape> I’m not lost! We’re just going the long way!

Tomoyo: Wouldn’t now be a good time for Harry to use the Marauder’s Map?

Sakura: I don’t think he can do that in front of Snape and Rat Boy.

Kero:<Malfoy> I resent that!

Sakura:<Hermione a la Marge Simpson>How many times have I told you not to chew on the drywall?!

>Suddenly, without warning,

Kero: …the world ended.

Sakura: Oh, well…

>a shape began to form in the inky blackness just ahead of them.

Sakura:<Professor Trelawney>Yes! I see it! It’s a GRIM!!

Syaoran:<Harry>Oh, bite me.

>The kids huddled closer together, and Snape put himself between the group and the whatever-it-was.

Kero: Okay… Snape would never do anything like that. I mean, he’s been trying to get Harry expelled since the day he first arrived.

>He pointed his wand, which he had lit the tip of into the void and was greatly relieved to see that it was Albus Dumbledore.

All: Huh?

Kero: Okay. What’s Dumbledore doing down there?

Syaoran:<Dumbledore>I lost my glasses… I knew I shouldn’t have asked that boy with the bandana for directions.

>“Sir…” Snape began, but quickly noticed that there was something wrong. “No wait! POTTER! Don’t go near him!”

Syaoran:<Snape>He’s EVIL! Eeeeeeeevil!!!!

Kero:<Snape a la Ben Kenobi> I can sense it. Why can’t you?

>But it was too late.

Tomoyo: The postal truck had left for the day and he had forgotten to mail his cable payment.

>Harry had run over to whom he thought was the Headmaster of Hogwarts, and begun to explain that they were lost, when >suddenly Albus grabbed him in a tight choke hold.

Syaoran:<Dumbledore a la Homer Simpson> Why, you little…

Sakura: Oooookay…

>Snape took a step back, shoving the other three behind him as he did so.

Kero:<Snape> I’m not getting involved in this.

>“What do you want Voldemort?” Snape hissed.

Sakura: Oh, sure! We’re supposed to believe that, not only could Voldemort sneak in, but that he could be sensed by Snape and not Harry?

Kero: Hey! Snape must be a Parselmouth!

>“I WANT…” thundered the evil wizard, still in the shape of Dumbledore

Kero:<Voldemort a la Dr. Evil> …ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!!!

Syaoran:<Voldemort> The freedom of all my followers in Azkaban and a jet to Cuba.

Sakura:<Hermione> Geez… No need to shout…

>“…YOUR UNDERWEAR!”

Sakura: Lord Voldemort IS Master Happosai!

Kero<Voldemort> Sweet-o!

Syaoran: I don’t think Happosai would be interested in the undergarments of three barely pubescent adolescents, two of which are male, and a middle aged Potions professor.

>“Give him…your…underwear” Harry choked, turning red in the face from lack of breath. “Please!”

Kero:<Hermione> But, I just got this stuff from ‘Victoria’s Secrets’ and it cost me a fortune!

Sakura: Kero, really…

Tomoyo:<May Hopkins> At least you were wearing a clean pair.

>Frightened, everyone hiked up their robes and took off their underwear, putting it in a tentative pile in the middle of the hallway.

Syaoran: Ick! There’s an image we could’ve done without.

>Voldemort released Harry, at that point and told him to do the same. He did, shaking with fear.

Sakura: So… Harry released Voldemort?

>Laughing maniacally, Voldemort disolved into his spiritual form, picked up the pile of underwear and flew away, cackling madly.

Kero: Man! Who knew Voldemort was such a demented perv?

>And that brought them to the present.

Tomoyo: Yaaaaaaay! It’s Christmas!!

>They’d found a dungeon cell to sleep in for the night. It must have been very late, but none of them were sleeping or speaking – >and especially not to Harry Potter.

Sakura: Shouldn’t they be trying to figure out why Voldemort went to all that trouble to steal underwear?

>Finally, Harry himself spoke up. “Come on guys, I didn’t do it on purpose…”

Kero:<Ron> Yeah, whatever you say.

Syaoran:<Harry a la Ross Hagen>Peace, brothers! No more war!

>“Shut up…” Ron muttered, shifting uncomfortably. “I really could do with that underwear right about now – this floor is freezing.”

Sakura: What do you want to bet Fred and George Weasley had something to do with this?

>Hermione and Draco nodded,

Syaoran:<Malfoy> I agree entirely with that statement.

Sakura:<Hermione> Indeed!

>and Snape emitted something that sounded like a cross between a snarl and a growl, never taking his eyes off of the ceiling.

Kero: Snape’s keeping himself amused by practicing his Eegah impression.

Tomoyo: Oh, goody. If Ron starts talking about dune buggies, I’m out of here.

Syaoran: Hold on… Didn’t the author say at the beginning that he was staring at the sky?

>Harry decided this would not be a good time to make a light-hearted joke about Professor Snape’s tighty whities.

Sakura: Well, there’s an answer to a question no one would have asked.

Syaoran:<Snape a la Michael Jordan> They were Hanes. Let’s leave it at that.

Kero: No wonder he’s always in such a bad mood. His underwear is too tight.

>Author's Notes:

Tomoyo:<Author> I can’t help but note that J.K Rowling could sue the tar out of me for this.

>Sorry for the long wait.

Kero: I wish it had been longer.

>I swear my chapters are getting shorter by the day.

Sakura: Well, that’s good.

>Hehehe –

Syaoran:<Author> I’m evil.

>well, it's not all that much fun to try while you're running to the bathroom every five minutes. *sighs* I REALLY hate being sick.

Kero:<Author> I write these lame fics and I keep having urges to visit those weird web sites in my spam mail.

>Sooo, this chapter has Ron discovering the joys of his happy little hormonal friends, and Draco falling down a hole.

Sakura: Draco Malfoy falls down an open sewer and dies?

Syaoran:<Dr. Tofu> Join the club.

>Could anything be more fun than that? (Maybe Snape discovering hormones...kehehehe)

Tomoyo: Please, don’t!

Sakura: Yeah. There are enough twisted Harry Potter fics already.

>Oh and one final thing.

Kero:<Author> I have but four minutes to live!

>Exams are coming up, so stories will be less frequently updated and/or put on hold depending on what my schedule allows...

Syaoran:<Author> I have Arithmancy and Ancient Runes on Tuesday…

>as I study desperately, in the hopes of defeating the evil demon known as Calculus.

Sakura: He’s starting to sound like CardCaptor Schlueter.

Syaoran:<CardCaptor Schlueter>Vector equations… Logarithms… Series circuit voltage calculations… Brain bleeding…

>Love and Peace, Enjoy!

Kero: I think we’re in a Coca-Cola ad.

>It wasn’t that Ron was upset with Harry, really he wasn’t.

Syaoran:<Ron> Seriously! I mean it!

>It was just that he had more important things on his mind….

Syaoran: Things like escaping the elaborate dungeon maze?

>such as Hermione without underwear.

All: YIKES!

Sakura: Ron! What would your mother say?

>No! Bad Ron…Bad, Bad Ron….very…naughty Ron…

Kero:<Ron>Someone should spank me.

Sakura: Kero…

>“Ah, but you want to…” whispered a voice in his ear.

Syaoran:<Ron> Ah! Snape! Don’t do that!!

Tomoyo: Heh.

>“No I don’t….hey…who are you anyway?”

Syaoran:<voice>I’m the author. Do as I say or else.

Kero:<voice>I’m God, who the hell are you?

>a thought hit him

Syaoran:<Ron> OW!

>and he shivered.

Sakura: It really is cold down there.

>“L-Lord Voldemort?”

Kero:<Ron> Uh… I mean, You-Know-Who?

>“Noooo, not Voldemort…guess again…guess again…”

Syaoran:<voice>You have two more chances. Fail and you don’t get the trip to Tahiti.

>Ron was about to protest that he didn’t much like guessing games, but then decided it would be a rather nice distraction from his >troubles…so he sighed and decided to play along.

Tomoyo: Shouldn’t he be worried that he’s hearing voices that aren’t there?

Syaoran:<Ron> I-I hear… voices… Must… kill…

>“Allright…who are you then?”

Syaoran:<voice>I’m BATMAN!

>The little voice was joined by a few others.

Kero: Hey! Jane Horrocks is here! And she brought friends!

>In unison, they giggled. “We. Are. Your…HORMONES!”

Kero: ARGHHHHHHH!!!! “Caught In The Act” flashback!!!

Tomoyo: If they run into Fred or George having sex, I’m out of here.

>Oh right. Them.

Syaoran:<Ron>Ho-hum… Talking hormones.

>“What do you want this time?”

Kero:<hormones> Funny you should ask…

Sakura: Kero…

>“Oh, we’re just here to remind you about your first day to Hogwarts….”

Kero:<Ron> What about it?

Sakura: He was eleven at the time! How many hormones could he have had?

>“WH…What?”

Sakura:<Hermione> Um… Is Ron talking to himself again?

Syaoran:<Harry> Guess so.

>That wasn’t what Ron had been expecting at all. Where was the usual conversation…the “Yes – no – yes – no” bit that always >seemed to go on when he was around Hermione.

Tomoyo: Oh no… It is “Caught In The Act”…

Sakura: Yeah. Any minute now Ron is going to start doing that Cloud Strife head-shaking thing.

>More giggling.

Kero:<hormones> Pardon us, we just had some really good tea.

>“Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa!” they did a WONDERFUL impression of Hermione’s pronounciation lesson.

Tomoyo:<Hermione> No, no, no! It’s Wing-gar-dium Levi-os-a!

>A levitating spell?

Tomoyo:<Madison Taylor> Well, duh!

Syaoran: Ron must be slow. He learned that four years ago and he still doesn’t know what it does?

>What was he doing thinking of a levitatin---oh no.

Kero: Okay. Now what?

>No no…bad bad Ron’s Hormones…bad Ron…

Syaoran:<Ron> Bad hormones… Don’t make me get a rolled up newspaper!

>no way was he going to…but…those robes were so long and so restricted by gravity. Who’s to say they wouldn’t thank him later >for lifting them?

Sakura: Well, I think that Hermione might have a few things to say about that.

Tomoyo: Yeah. And she’ll probably say them with her fists.

>While Ron was having his little –er- conversation…Draco was getting bored.

Kero: I know the feeling.

>He’d finally tired of sending little bolts of energy at Harry (He enjoyed seeing the way the other wriggled about like he had fleas)

Sakura: Um… What?

Tomoyo: Can your say “Awkward sentence”?

>and was now looking for something else to do.

Syaoran:<Malfoy>Maybe I’ll set Weasley’s hair on fire. He doesn’t seem to be paying attention.

>It was at that precice moment that he noticed a lever sticking out of the wall.

Sakura: Now THAT’S convenient.

Syaoran: Convenient levers on walls? Have we stumbled into “Final Fantasy 6”?

>It was just sitting there, all alone…not moving….

Kero: Well, what did you expect? It’s a damn lever!

>and he WAS getting more bored by the moment.

Syaoran: As are we.

Kero: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!

>“Well…it IS just sitting there…” he rationalized, as he reached over and pulled it.

Sakura: Famous last words.

Kero:<Malfoy a la Yzma>Pull the lever!

>A trap door sprang open beneath his feet and he plummeted into darkness.

Kero:<Malfoy a la Yzma>Wrong leveeeeeeeeeeer!!!

Syaoran:<Malfoy> Forward my maaaaaail!

>He was too surprised to even cry out, and after he landed – on something hard no less (which he later discovered was the stone >floor), he sat rubbing his ribs,

Kero:<Malfoy a la Yzma>Why do we even have that stupid lever?

Syaoran:<Malfoy> Mmm… Ribs… At least I won’t starve. Where’s the barbecue?

>while he debated what to do.

Kero:<Malfoy> I suggest we discover a way out.

Syaoran:<Malfoy> I concur. But we should take some facts into consideration.

Kero:<Malfoy> I second that motion.

Syaoran:<Malfoy> All in favor say “Aye”!

All:<Malfoy> AYE!

Tomoyo: Geez… Now Draco’s talking to himself too.

>He panicked for a moment when he realized it was very very dark down there, but he soon remembered his wand, and recalling >the incantation Professor Snape had made earlier, lighted the tip of it, so he could get a good look around the room.

Syaoran:<Malfoy> Lumos!

Kero: I’m surprised the author didn’t remember that one.

Tomoyo: He probably wants to keep us in the dark.

>It was NOT a pretty sight.

Kero: Oh my GOD! It’s Natalie! David Carradine never let her out of the basement!

>Small skeletons hung by their toes from the ceiling, while other bony structures were chained along the wall. All those rumors >about harsher punishment in the old days that the teachers were always on about were acctually true.

Sakura: Either that or they’re in the Chamber Of Secrets again.

>It then hit him

Syaoran:<Malfoy>OW!

>that there wasn’t a door out of the room. Taking a deep breath, he opened his mouth.

Tomoyo: Yeah. That’s just what we need now. Malfoy opening his big mouth.

>“Geez Ron…” Hermione noted, scaring the freckle-faced boy who had been attempting to sneak up behind her. “Draco screams >like a girl.”

Kero: He does? I didn’t hear it?

Syaoran: Ron was sneaking up on Hermione? When did he do that?

>"Where is Draco anyway?" Ron asked, looking around him, and getting nothing for his troubles but another look at Snape who had >long dozed off. It was a miracle that ear-splitting scream didn't wake him up.

Syaoran: Ear-splitting? Maybe it’s just as well we didn’t hear it, huh?

Kero:<Ron> If only he was wearing a red and white stripped shirt and glasses… Then he’d be easier to find.

>"Good question" said Harry, speaking up for the first time. "I could have sworn he was right here beside me, zapping me with >some annoying little spell."

Syaoran:<Harry> But now that he’s gone, let’s get the hell out of here.

>"Oh fabulous. Snape's gonna wake up any minute now, and give us sixty kinds of Holy Hell for not watching out for his prized >student."

Sakura: Okay, who said that?

Kero: Oh, great… It’s “No Need For CardCaptors” all over again.

>"He wouldn't do that would he? After all, it's Draco's fault he's a stupid, annoying little git."

Kero: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Tomoyo:<Hermione a la Ryoko> Haaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy!!

>Harry and Ron grabbed Hermione and said, very slowly, as though they were speaking to an idiot (something they reveled in a fair >bit) "Draco. Is. From. Slytherin House. We Are. From. Gryffindor. Snape. Will. Blame Us."

Syaoran: Okay. Shouldn’t this be the other way around? Shouldn’t Hermione be explaining this very slowly to Ron?

>Hermione glared at the both of them, especially Harry, but agreed.

Sakura:<Hermione>Did I get that right? I’ve been taking lessons from some guy named Syaoran.

Syaoran: Hey!

>"So we go look for darling Draco." she paused,

Kero: Oh, so who is she now? Lum?

Sakura: Does that mean Ron is Ataru Moroboshi?

Syaoran: I sure hope not.

>then called out as loud as she dared. "Hey...Draco, where are you?"

Kero:<Malfoy>I’ve fallen! And I can’t get up!

>Authors Notes: It’s been a long time coming. I really hate this fic *sigh* though a few people seem to like it, and I just can’t leave >a fic unfinished.

Kero:<Author> God, I didn’t know what idiots my readers were until now.

>Say…while you’re waiting, why not read my more serious fic, “Harry Potter and the Heart of Darkness” archived right here on >FF.net. You won’t have far to go to find it…and I need some reviews indeed.

Syaoran: Harry Potter And The Heart Of Darkness?

Kero: Cool! J.K Rowling and Joseph Conrad in one story.

>Never mind that I posted it mere moments before trying to write another chapter of this crap. Errr…well whatever. I want my >reviews!

Sakura: Uh… Why would you want reviews for a fic even you think sucks?

>In keeping with the really messed up mood of this fic, I have attempted to simulate sickness by drinking Vodka and diet pepsi.

Syaoran: I’ve heard that you need to suffer to make art, but really…

>This author would like to leave a word of warning. DON’T drink Vodka and Diet Pepsi. That is just plain insanity…which…er…says a >lot about me.

Kero: Yes. It does.

>Moving right along, let’s get to the fic shall we, before I start describing what’s going to happen to me in the morning >should I drink anymore of this.

Sakura: Thanks. We appreciate it.

>Love and Peace,

All:<singing> Everybody get together, try to love one another right now.

>Chapter 3: Wingardium Leviosa Revisited

Tomoyo: Translation: Hermione’s giving pronunciation lessons again.

>“Well certainly not the Merry Old Land of Oz..” Came the sarcastic reply. “Really Granger, I thought you were smart.”

Syaoran:<Malfoy> After all, our author is J.K Rowling, not L. Frank Baum.

Kero:<Malfoy> Now I know how Miyuki-chan must’ve felt.

Sakura: You’re thinking of Wonderland, Kero.

Syaoran:<Malfoy> Wherever I am, I’m not in Kansas anymore.

>“I don’t HAVE to help you out of there you know.” Hermione said quickly.

Kero:<Malfoy, meekly> I’ll be good.

>“Okay okay – I’m being good. It’s er…a room. With…uh…a rack…and whips…and…the wheel….err…and uh, a bunch of
skeletons chained in manacles to the wall.” The last part came out in a rush.

Sakura: Hey! We’re in an Indiana Jones movie!

Kero:<Malfoy>What’s the Ark Of The Covenant doing here?

>“Aha!” Ron couldn’t resist. “I see young Malfoy has stumbled upon the private dungeon bondage chamber of Professor
Snape.”

Kero:<Malfoy> I was wondering what the big screen TV and the “La Blue Girl” boxed set were for!

Sakura: Ick! Kero!!

Tomoyo: Either that or Chocolate and Tira Misu built a secret chamber in Hogwarts.

>“And what would you be knowing about that?”

Syaoran:<Ron> I’d be knowing how to construct a proper sentence, thank you.

>Ron made a mental note to take up a vow of silence as soon as possible.

Tomoyo: Of course! He’ll become a monk! That will solve his problem!

>His timing could not have been more off – Snape had officially woken up and was looking at Ron with…well…if Ron
>hadn’t been utterly terrified, he might have considered it embaressment.

Tomoyo: Embarrassment? Why?

Kero: Well…

Sakura: Don’t even think about it, hentai!

>Fortunately for all involved however, Snape seemed more concerned about where Draco was at the moment.

Syaoran:<Snape> I am not facing Lucius Malfoy with this one.

>“How did you get down there?”

Kero:<Malfoy> I flew. What do you think, stupid?

Sakura: Okay. Who said that? Snape?

>“Uh…there’s a lever on the wall. Somewhere near where you were sitting Potter.”

Syaoran:<Harry> Oh, you mean the one with “Don’t Pull Me” written above it?

Kero:<Malfoy> D’oh!

>Harry retraced his steps. “Uh…this one…?”

Tomoyo: How many levers are there?

Sakura: Three. And you have to pull them in the right order to proceed.

Kero: Let me remind you again that this isn’t a Final Fantasy fic.

>“The heck am I supposed to know which one you’re looking at?”

Syaoran: Shouldn’t that be “How the heck am I supposed to know”?

>“Oh. Yeah. Uh, well, I guess this is it, don’t see any others around.”

Tomoyo: Who’s talking? Harry?

Kero: C’mon, fanfic! We endured enough of this crap in “No Need For CardCaptors”.

>There was a brief silence,

Syaoran:<Harry> Crap… Line?

Sakura:<Hermione> Trapped on one cold set for hours… I’m calling my agent.

>during which they all had to imagine Draco rolling his eyes as he wasn’t here to do it in person.

Kero: Unfortunately, Draco’s understudy wasn’t able to make it today because of a hangover.

>“Okay, stand off to the side and pull it. Don’t stand directly under it, as being trapped in an inescapable room with Potter is not my >preferred choice of death.”

Syaoran:<Malfoy> I’d prefer to die an exotic and unnecessarily complicated death.

Kero:<James Bond> Care to trade places?

>Harry despite various misgivings about trusting Slytherins did as he was instructed, and as Draco had predicted the floor beneath >the lever fell away as he pulled down on it.

Tomoyo: Then, the trapdoor closed again.

Syaoran:<Harry> Well, now what?

>“Allright then. Now you three can figure out who’s the tallest, and fish him out.”

Kero: Who said that?!

>“But Professor Snape, you’re taller than…”

Syaoran:<speaker>…Danny DeVito.

Sakura: Like that’s hard.

>With a dismissive wave of his hand, Severus cut Hermione off.

Syaoran:<Snape> I learned that from Li Showron!

Tomoyo:<Hermione> Damn cheap cell phone…

Sakura:<Hermione>HONK! Hey! Watch where you’re driving, buddy!

>“Quite honestly Miss Granger, I really couldn’t care less if you all fell in. If that happened, I could go quite peacefully up to the >castle, where I would be able to go to dinner while wearing a pair of underwear under my robes like a normal, sane person.”

Syaoran:<Snape> Granted, I’m clearly not a sane person, but I could play one on TV.

>He then proceeded to sit down and fall back asleep, much to the chagrin of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and although they couldn’t see >him, Draco.

Kero: Severus Snape. His motto: When the going gets tough, the tough go to sleep.

Syaoran: Does this mean he’s asleep at the switch?

>Hermione looked indignant.

Sakura:<Hermione> Well, really!

>“Allright then…how deep is the room?” she asked, peering into the hole in the floor.

Syaoran:<Malfoy> How should I know, Granger?! I didn’t bring a tape measure with me!

>Getting down on her hands and knees,

Kero:<Harry> Really, Hermione, now isn’t the time for that.

Sakura: Kero!

>she reached a hand down.

Syaoran: …and smacked him.

>The Cavern was not especially deep, but Hermione had to shift to her stomach in order to reach Draco’s hand.

Sakura: The Cavern? Is that anything like The Burrow?

Syaoran:<Malfoy> Thong? Ator? Is that you?

Kero:<Malfoy> Oh no! It is Tira Misu!! She’s come to kill us all!!

Tomoyo:<Tira Misu> OHHOHOHOHOHO!! These brats shall call me “Queen”!!

Syaoran: Stop it, Daidouji. You’re scaring me.

Sakura: Could we please stop the “Sorcerer Hunters” references, please?

Tomoyo: I don’t know. They seem oddly appropriate here.

>Malfoy was too heavy for her to lift on her own, moreso from such a position. Her eyes darted around in the short range of vision >that she did have from the poor vantage point. Harry was holding the lever down to keep the trap door open. Snape she knew >had fallen asleep and wouldn’t help them even if he was awake.

Kero: I hate to nitpick, but why can’t they use the levitation spell on him?

>“Ron! Grab my legs and pull us up!”

Kero: Oh! Now I get it.

>This…was a problem.

Syaoran:<Rick Mercer> This is not good.

Kero:<Ron> Square of the hypotenuse… Damn you, Pythagoras!

>“Uh…okay…” Ron said slowly.

Syaoran:<Ron> Duh… You were talking to me, right?

Sakura: Ron Weasely: Rhodes Scholar!

>The evil hormones giggled wickedly in the back of his head.

Kero:<hormones> Tee-hee! We’re so naughty!

Tomoyo: Ron’s hormones sound like Razzly from “Chrono Cross”.

>“That’s right ickle Ronnikins…nobody’s going to know it was an accident if you get a peek up her skirt…”

Syaoran: God, I hope that was the hormones talking.

Sakura: No one will know it was an accident? So, they’ll think it was deliberate.

Tomoyo: Ah! The Naru Narusegawa School Of Situation Evaluation.

Sakura: Also known as the Akane Tendo School Of Situation Evaluation and the Asuka Langley Sohryu School Of Situation Evaluation and probably a few others.

Kero: Well, in this case it would be deliberate.

>“Errr….”

Syaoran:<Ron> Line…?

Kero:<Ron> I don’t know… She’s been getting suspicious about my “accidentally” wandering in when she was in the shower.

Sakura: Kero…

>“Hurry up Ron! My arm’s getting sore and falling asleep!”

Tomoyo:<Hermione> Get your butt in gear, Weasley!

Kero:<hormones> Nya-ha-ha!!

>Cautiously, Ron picked up Hermione’s ankles and started to tug backwards, carefully keeping them parallel to the ground.

Syaoran: So… he’s dragging her across the ground?

Tomoyo:<Hermione> What a drag.

>The Hormones were pouting. At least, he thought they were pouting.

Kero: It’s hard to say since hormones don’t have faces.

>They were mumbling to him about being a wuss acctually.

Syaoran: They were also messing up his spelling.

Tomoyo: That’s probably the result of the vodka and Diet Pepsi.

Kero:<hormones> You loser! Why can’t you commit sexual crimes against Hermione, huh? I bet you’ve never even tried vodka and Diet Pepsi.

>“All right, All right Granger, I’ve got it now…get your filthy mudblood hands off me.” Draco, his torso now out of the hole, let go of >Hermione’s arm and pulled himself the rest of the way up.

Tomoyo: Then, Hermione pushed him back into the hole.

Syaoran:<Malfoy> NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!!!<THUNK!> Owie…

>Hermione extricated her ankles from Ron’s hands…that seemed to be quite firmly clamped on them and stood up, brushing off her >robes.

Syaoran: Extricated? This is quite the author.

Kero: Does Ron have an ankle fetish or something?

>“All right then. All we have to do is wake up Professor Snape and we can get going.

Tomoyo: Okay. Who the hell is talking?

Sakura: I think it’s Hermione.

Kero: So… Why didn’t they leave hours ago instead of just hanging around?

>Uh…Ron? What’s wrong? I mean I know it’s cold and freakish down here but I figure we can’t be too far off course…”

Syaoran:<Ron>Goddamn this voice inside my head!!… Goddamn this voice inside my head!!…

Kero:<Ron> Ron’s not here right now, but if you leave a message at the sound of the tone…

>Ron was in fact, giggling to himself and talking to a person who did not appear to be there.

Sakura: Oh, great. Ron’s been drinking the tea from “Stolen”.

Kero: Yeah. Next thing you know, he’ll be holding his wand to Hermione’s throat and demanding that she strip.

>“Fine! Fine! I’ll show you that I’m not a wuss!”

Kero:<Ron a la Austin Powers> I’m a real man, baby! Yeah!

Sakura: Oh, cool it.

>he whipped out his wand and yelled at the top of his lungs “WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!” pointing it straight at Hermione’s robes.

All: UH-OH!

Syaoran: I see a severe beating in Ron’s future.

Sakura: Even Professor Trelawney could see that one.

>The poor girl’s skirt flew straight up over her head, giving Harry and Draco an unobstructed view of her behind.

Kero:<singing> Moon over Hogwarts, bring my love to me tonight.

Sakura: Kero…

Syaoran:<Harry> Hey! When did she get that tattoo?

Sakura: Syaoran-kun…

>As for her front, her modesty (though she didn’t realize it at the time) was more than protected enough, owing to the fact that >Ron, after casting the spell had run off giggling maniacally down the corridor, seeing nothing.

Kero: He goes to all that trouble and then takes off before he can see anything? What was the point?

Tomoyo: He’s just trying to escape the inevitable beating.

>Harry patted her shoulder comfortingly after she was decent again…

Syaoran:<Harry> There, there. You can have that tattoo removed. But really, what were you thinking?

Kero:<Harry> It’s nothing I haven’t seen before during our visits to the broom closet.

Sakura: KERO!

Tomoyo: I’m assuming that this takes place after their fourth year.

Syaoran: God, I hope so.

>and Draco narrowly escaped poetic justice as he barely missed falling into the hole again while he danced around feigning >blindness.

Kero: I think he should be grateful it wasn’t Snape.

All: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

>But this presented a new problem. Snape might not have left Draco lying around his dungeons, but Hermione and Harry were >pretty certain that Ron was fair garme for the “Lost forever” list.

Sakura: Somehow I don’t picture Hermione being very concerned about Ron’s well being right about now.

>“Now what?” Harry asked Hermione.

Tomoyo:<Hermione> Now… We hunt him down and kill him…

Sakura:<Hermione> I don’t know. Ask the author.

>“Well…it was obvious that Ron was posessed by Lord Voldemort.” Hermione said. “At least…he’d BETTER have been possessed by >Lord Voldemort.”

Sakura:<Hermione> Otherwise, I’m going to break every bone in his body.

>“So…we go after him then? Is that a good idea?”

Kero: Are you asking us?

>“I say it is.” Harry said, gesturing at the sleeping Professor Snape and the still dancing Draco who had just proclaimed he was now >impotent.

Kero:<Malfoy> Viagra!! I need Viagra!!

Syaoran: Good thing too. I don’t think we need any more of him around.

>“Good thing too. I don’t think we need any more of him around.”

Tomoyo: You’d better not be tampering with the fourth wall, Li-kun.

>Hermione agreed, and the two set off into the depths of the dungeons…

Sakura: Never to be heard from again.

Tomoyo: Hey. The fic is over!

Kero: About time.

Sakura: So what did you think?

Syaoran: Well, it has the same problems as “Caught In The Act”. It thinks that just making blatant sexual jokes is funny.

Tomoyo: Yeah. For a fic like this to work it needs a solid structure like in Kit’s “Seduction Of Sakura”, Absolut Angel’s “52 Ways to Pick Up A CardCaptor Sakura Character” or Sugar Plum’s “Puberty”.

Kero: Well, what really shows it that the author didn’t have his heart in it anyway.

Syaoran: Yeah. I think we’re putting more thought into this fic than he did.

Sakura: Well, let’s go.

Syaoran was just sitting around reading when Kero-Chan floated up to him carrying a small gift-wrapped box.

“What’s that you have there?” Syaoran inquired.

“A gift,” replied Kero.

Syaoran rolled his eyes. “I know that. Who’s it for?”

“You.”

“Me?” Syaoran seemed stunned.

“Well, I know you and I haven’t always gotten along very well,” Kero explained. “So I thought I’d give you a little peace offering.” He handed the small box to Syaoran who looked at it dubiously for a moment before carefully beginning to unwrap it. He opened the box very carefully, half expecting it to explode, and then he looked inside.

“What the…?” Syaoran said as he reached in and extracted a pink pair of panties. “Care to explain the meaning of this, plushie?”

“I’m sure you’ll like them,” said Kero, grinning. “After all, they’re Sakura’s.”

Syaoran’s face suddenly went bright red. “Sa-Sa-Sakuuura…” Syaoran was doing a passable impression of

Dr. Tofu in his Kasumi mode.

“KERO!!!!” came the scream of Sakura who had just heard his last comment.

Kero laughed and took off blaming hormones and shouting “Wingardium Leviosa” over and over again. Meanwhile, Syaoran just sat there with a blank stare on his face.

“Poor Li-kun…” Tomoyo said shaking her head sadly. “You have the misfortune of being very fun to tease.” She slipped the panties out of his hand. “I’m sure Sakura-chan will want these back though.”

DEEP 13

“It appears that they have survived yet again,” said Spinel Sun.

“Yes,” Eriol replied, grinning evilly again. “But I’ve come close to breaking them a couple of times and that gives me a greater success rate than most mad scientists.”

“You’re just looking for something to rub in Dr. Tomoe’s face again at the convention this year,” muttered Ruby Moon.

“Well, can you blame me?” Eriol muttered. “Ooh… I’m going to bring about the silence. Ooh… What a geek.”

“Speak for yourself…” said Ruby Moon as she gave the button a smack.

THE REAL END

(Feel free to hum the John Williams Score from “Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone” as the credits roll)

Well, another season begins. I haven’t got much to say this time around but I’d like to thank all of my readers, especially the ones who keep sending suggestions for targets, and Ciircee and Chelle-Sama for writing a new spin-off of CCST3K, currently featured under “Specials” on the CCST3K homepage.

By the way, did anyone get the CLAMP in-joke Eriol used? I’ll announce what it meant at the end of the next episode.

‘Till next time!

-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

Season One:

1) The Brain From Planet Arous-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo

2) The Mike Rhea Anthology-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea

(Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss)

3) Neon Ranma Evangelion-A Ranma ½ /Evangelion Crossover By Khyron Kingkiller

4) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy

5) Stolen-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou

6) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy

7) The True Power Of Love-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul

8) Marco Polo-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou

9) Madison’s Mystery Crush-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Chocolat*

10) Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker

Season Two:

11) The Next Generation-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu

12) Caught In The Act-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny

13) The Shadow Leaders-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker

14) Shinji’s Alter-Ego-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82

15) Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla-A Sailor Moon Fic By Flashman (Christian A. Rogers)

16) Temples, Captors And Knights (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy

17) No Need For CardCaptors-A Tenchi Muyo/Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Christina Horton

18) Temples, Captors And Knights (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy

19) Mother, May I [Take Over The World]-A Pokemon Fic By Mallet Boy

20) Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By Golden Eyed Dragon

Season Three:

21) Harry Potter And the Pantie Raiders-A Harry Potter Fic By Ice Blue X

Deep Fried SPAM:

1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net

Specials:

-Christmas Special-Under The Mistletoe/Tsubasa Gets What He Deserves-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea

-Summaries Of Suffering-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama

>In unison, they giggled. “We. Are. Your…HORMONES!”

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations

are trademarks of and (c) 2002 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights

reserved.

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